Not Today.

4/17/2023

I just finished a visit with my rheumatologist. Well, I actually finished 30-40 minutes ago and have been sitting in my car, staring at this sign, amidst sunshine, blue sky, and harshly blowing strong winds, thinking.

Contemplating.

Wondering.

See, I’m exhausted. I’m spent. There are plenty of “to dos” and I’m currently trying to muster the energy to just drive home.

Cancer F’ing Sucks.

I rarely, if ever, use the word hate, yet I can fully, strongly, and confidently say I HATE CANCER.

Cancer is EVIL. It disrupts lives. It causes pain, hurt, angst, fatigue, crying, fear, anxiety. It teases you into thinking it’s been eradicated and then it laughs loudly and smears itself in your face as soon as you let your guard down just a smidge….treading on, taunting, and crushing your spirits and hope.

Slowly breaking apart your chainmail of armor, sliding in through the cracks to steal your reserves, strength, and joy.

Victimizing your psyche, draining hope, extinguishing spirit.

It’s pure and utter EVIL, wreaking havoc, ruining lives.

And it F*CKING SUCKS!!! Cancer sucks big doodoo brains.

So, as I sit here reveling in the sucky misery of cancer disaster, wanting to just crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep for days (which I may actually do because I desperately need sleep!), I’m realizing I have a choice.

I can let f’in cancer control my mood, wreak havoc, cause misery, OR I can look cancer in the face and say NOT TODAY! F-U cancer! You do NOT control me! I have a choice & I GET to choose to accept what is, deal with it as best I can, and CHOOSE to live, explore, spend time, and make the most of life – living in the now, savoring every moment, and deciding to smile, laugh, live, & love with all my being.

Not today cancer. Not ever. You do NOT control me and I refuse to let you steal my joy – or my sister!

F-U cancer. F-U!